So I give huge props to single parents, you are heroes in my eyes! You do everything that you need to and probably get zero breaks from your children. I think if you are a single parent and you have full custody of your children, then you are an absolute saint…because I would struggle even more than I already do. So cheers to you!
Now let’s think about that parent that has a spouse, but is actually the Primary parent…
Now you are probably wondering what is a Primary parent….well let me explain. A Primary parent is the one that does the bulk of things in the household. They are the parent that keeps the household flowing with as few hiccups as possible. Normally, the mother is the Primary parent, but that isn’t always the case, every household is different, obviously.
Now in my household, I am the Primary parent and taking on that role is exhausting! When I say that I am exhausted, I don’t mean physical exhaustion, I mean both physically and mentally exhausted. My days start when the first child wakes up in the morning, because I am on the side of the bed that they go to, rarely do they go to dad’s side of the bed. With my youngest, she uses my hair as her calming tool and has done this for years. She will sit there and run her hands through my hair to fall asleep. Now this would not be a bad thing if she was nice about it, but she literally pulls my hair because as we all know, kids have sticky fingers always. So if she comes in in the middle of the night, she will fall back to sleep usually playing with my hair, but I don’t usually sleep well because my hair is being pulled out of my head. So right there, I don’t sleep well at all, especially on these nights...and this happens pretty much every night.
Then when the alarm finally goes off, I am the one that has to get up and get myself and everyone else up and out the door. I need to be sure that if anyone needs anything special for school that day that I remember and send what is needed. I am literally a walking calendar and I am in charge of keeping track of all the little things that need to be done. My mind pretty much has a mental checklist going of things to do and that checklist is constantly going in my mind. That right there is where part of the mental exhaustion comes into play. I would not survive most days without my calendar apps or the calendar hanging in the kitchen, but some things that the Primary parent has to remember don’t always get written down. I am in charge of being sure that I remember all the little things, all the time for everyone in the household. Talk about brain overload!
The Primary parent is also the person who handles the kids’ doctors and dentist appointments and is the one that is called first if they are sick at school. So right there, I am the one that has to get out of work to run them to these appointments. I mean I get it…someone has to do it and I have a job that I can get out of work for these, but it still is all on me. And say that one of my kids are sick, I am the one that figures out what to do. Can I stay home? Do I need to see if someone can watch them? Then I have to make plans to get it all happening smoothly. Those details are all for me to work through, rarely ever does my husband help out with this. But when he does, I am thankful for his help and for taking a turn.
Now we all know by now that I am an Accountant so my job is mentally taxing the majority of the time and my husband’s job is more of a physical exhaustion…I get it we are both tired. But can you guess who gets to sit down after we get home from work? Not the Primary parent…my sit down and relax time is driving home after work, which isn’t always relaxing since there are so many idiot drivers out there. So yeah, I get home and sometimes the clan is already home, but most days they are not yet. Either way, it is time to get dinner going and unless I have given instructions on what to get started before I get home, I handle dinner and getting it on the table.
Now dinner is one task I just don’t enjoy anymore. I am definitely not one of those plan out meals for the week on Sunday kind of moms. Most days I already have something out to make for dinner, but a lot of time I am going through the house when I get home trying to figure out what to make. Now my family is very picky, so it gets to be hard to come up with things that everyone will eat. Honestly lately, even when I fix things that everyone likes then I find out someone no longer likes that item on the dinner menu. Ugh! Now I need to play restaurant…how annoying is that! I am not one to force my kids to eat what I make, so unfortunately becoming a restaurant falls on me. But I honestly just don’t want to sit there and listen to them scream and cry over dinner. So, I give in…just gotta do what you can at times, right?? I don’t know about you, but I am really lately starting to use my crockpot a lot. I know some people swear by the Instapot, but I am not a fan. Maybe I need to give it more of a try, but the few times I have used it, it didn’t seem like it saved me much time. But that is another discussion. :)
After dinner it becomes a thing of watching the clock to be sure that everything gets done and the kids are in bed. Now this Primary parent pushes really hard to get the kids to bed at a decent time. Why you may ask? Because I know my kids, if they do not get enough sleep they are going to be cranky butts in the morning and I am the one that is going to have to deal with it. Yeah, I don’t want to deal with that in the morning, they are hectic enough. So keeping track of the clock to get baths, snacks, and bedtime all started on time is more for the Primary parent to keep track of. Remember, the Primary parent keeps the schedule and things on track in the household, not the non-Primary parent. So this leads to a lot of yelling through the house what time it is during the evening in hopes that someone may hear and get on their feet and get done what needs to be done. Most days, I feel like a walking clock...literally.
Now besides everything having to do with the kids, the Primary parent is in charge of realizing when things need to be done around the house. For example: cleaning the house, taking out the trash, taking out the recycling, doing the laundry, washing dishes, noticing when things need to be deep cleaned in the house, pay bills, etc. All the stuff that the non-Primary parent would not usually think to do. Those items right there really should be set up on a weekly or daily calendar and open for anyone in the household to notice that they need to be done. Would be even nicer if they were noticed that they needed to be done and someone just did them, without being asked to do them. Oh, that would be a dream come true!!
So as you can see, being the Primary parent is a lot like being a single parent. Yes, we do get some help, but not as much help as we would love to get. If you are the non-Primary parent reading this, make your spouse’s day or even week and go help out with some of the things around the house, and with the kids that you know always gets done without you. Step up just a little more where you can and take some of the burden off your partner. Trust me, doing so will show that you really do appreciate them more than they know, because being a Primary parent seriously is exhausting and most of the time you feel like you are doing everything on your own.
And to you, the Primary parent… you are amazing! I see you over there doing it all and making sure everything is handled. I know that it is not easy and a lot of the time you just want to pick up and leave to get a break, but you don’t. Keep pushing through, cry if you need to, hide for a little bit if you need to, just keep moving forward. You are doing great and you got this parenting thing under control!
I would love to hear about you. Are you the Primary parent? Do you feel the same way as I do? Feel free to share your story with me at Hello@ElizabethLBalmer.com. I look forward to hearing from you and just hearing that it is not just me that feel like this. Sometimes, I just feel like I go through all this on my own, but I know I don’t.
And of course, if you know someone that may benefit from reading this, please share this blog with them. I would appreciate you sharing it with others!
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