All day today I felt like something just wasn’t right, I felt kinda sad a lot of the day and I could not figure out why. Then I looked at the date and remembered why I was probably feeling like this.
Three years ago today, I went into the doctor because I was bleeding abnormally and wasn’t sure why, but knew something wasn’t right. Well a couple tests later I found out that I was actually pregnant, but there was a definite concern that I was having a miscarriage. We would not know for absolute certain that it was though until they confirmed that my hCG levels were not increasing. I had no idea I was even pregnant, so it was a definite shock to hear not only that I was pregnant but that I was having a miscarriage too.
Two days later I ended up taking myself to the emergency room because the bleeding got worse and I was in a lot of pain. It was there that I got confirmation that my hCG counts were going down, which is not what is supposed to happen. So with that, it was confirmed that I did for sure have a miscarriage.
To be honest, I didn’t really know what to think of the entire situation. I don’t know what would have been worse: knowing that I was pregnant and losing it, or what happened with having no idea I was pregnant and losing it. Either way, I was just crushed and wondering why this happened...why would something like this happen to me?
I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason and that you are never given anything that you cannot handle in life. So to me, I believe that there was something wrong with the baby and it was going to be more than I, or the baby could have handled. But I also wonder if it was something I did.
I still think that I may have caused something to happen, because I was not aware that I was even pregnant. I had started a new diet plan which involved fasting, and we all know that you have to eat while pregnant for your health and the health of the baby. Now I know that this diet plan I was trying probably did not cause it, but what if it did? I will never know, but will always wonder. I have tried these fasting diets again, but I know that I have no chance of being pregnant now and they actually do work. So maybe there was something in these products that I was trying that caused an issue…either way, I will never know. So I am trying to not blame myself for what happened, which isn’t always easy to do. Obviously having another baby was not meant to happen for me at that point in time.
Now we all know that miscarriage happens more than we know, and everyone handles it differently. Some keep it a complete secret and never tell anyone, and some are open to telling others and want to talk about it. To each their own, that is your personal preference, but I am absolutely open to letting people know that it did happen to me. My third child was a miscarriage and I will never know this child in this lifetime. All I have left is a memory of him/her and I will carry that memory with me my entire life.
So, I will never know for sure why I had a miscarriage, but what I do know is that a small part of my heart died that day. That small part may be gone, but not forgotten.
If you are reading this and you have had a miscarriage too and you want someone to talk to about it, feel free to email me at Hello@ElizabethLBalmer.com. I will gladly listen to you and offer any support that I can give you. Having lost a child whether you had met or never met it, is not easy and we need to be there for each other. We all are affected by this in many different ways if it does happen, and sometimes you just need to talk to someone that has gone through it too.
And of course, if you know someone that may need to hear that others go through this too, please share this blog with them. I would appreciate you sharing it with others!
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